You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
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