According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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