It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
Randomize
