Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
