Got a toothbrush?
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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