i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
