oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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