I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
like why cant he just admit that he still wants to fuck me even though im underage
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
