Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Randomize
