I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
