Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
