I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
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