A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
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