forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
