a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Randomize
