I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Randomize
