TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
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