It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Randomize
