Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
