if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
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