I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
