the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
