I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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