The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Randomize
