I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
