New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Randomize
