trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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