Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
