All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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