I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
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