TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I checked into jail on foursquare
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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