I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
I skipped work to stalk him.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Randomize
