I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
