3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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