$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
