There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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