Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
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