Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Randomize
