I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Just high enough for therapy.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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