Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
