You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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