Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Shame is for Republicans.
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