Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
