I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I need to calm my uterus...
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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