he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
You've changed since you got that strap on
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Randomize
