should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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