If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
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