Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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