i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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