Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
